If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
