I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
