I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
