my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
