Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
