I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
