What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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