you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
