My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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