my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
