no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
