i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
