Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
