also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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