dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
