That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
