can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
All I want is dick and wine.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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