Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
