I'm passing your future prison.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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