Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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