haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
