So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
