dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
