i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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