Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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