I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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