So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
