I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
