i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
