if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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