Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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