she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
whose parrot is this?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
