So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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