What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
