She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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