you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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