I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
