I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
