I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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