Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just cropdusted the office
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
