Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
