Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
