Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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