i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
