I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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