You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
