Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
