Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
