You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
