I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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