my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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