I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
