How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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