Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Hippo gnu deer
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
