can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
