I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
