ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
