I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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