Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
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I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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