I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
